Little Miss Sunshivavna

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own


Times are tough for financiers. “Flat” is the new “up” in sell side bonus—and that's for the stars. The Job Slasher has been reigning terror for the last 16 months, the victim toll now reaching over 120,000 according to a recent Bloomberg report. Such instability, combined with an equally volatile buy side, raises the question: where exactly are all these Wall Street throwaways supposed to go?

Let’s begin by acknowledging that their destinies bear direct impact on us all. "They had it coming," we might hiss outwardly, but deep down inside, visions of MBAs wiping the floors at Kentucky Fried Chicken make our stomachs turn. Such visions violate the Street’s most sacred doctrine — a previously uncontested conviction that education, dedication, and raw ambition lead to money and prestige. Judge those values (or lack thereof) if you wish, but don't deny that this notion of meritocracy, this paved road to success, this traditional interpretation of the "American dream" is imperative to our sense of comfort and normalcy, and that Wall Street has long been counted on to guard it.

There is an equation for success, and in this equation the output must always be equal to or greater than the input. In a sense, capitalism is a collective faith in this very mechanism. But what if the rules were to suddenly change? What if slaying the dragon got you nothing more in the end than a pat on the back and a handshake? Well, then we would be looking at more than a failure of the banking system—we would be dealing with a fundamental leak in our economic ideology, and that’s a large enough leak to drown us all.

The most unnerving thing about the layoffs is not the temporarily displaced, but the permanently misplaced, as many bright, talented, and highly educated people are now at risk for long-term underemployment. Bloomberg reports that, according to school directors, “A growing number of out-of-work New Yorkers are turning to bartending. Enrollment in the American Bartending School in Manhattan climbed 53 percent since last October to 84 pupils, the most for the month in five years, director Joe Bruno said in an interview. Another school director was quoted as saying “The increase I'm talking about, it's definitely that corporate, Wall Street, finance kind of thing.''
“This will be a huge year for us,” Bruno brags. And it is only four years ago that I had investigated some of the most prominent bartending schools for using unscrupulously aggressive recruiting tactics to beef up enrollment. I am guessing their recruiters no longer have the need to assure perspective students that they can ride their youthful appearance all the way to the bank because "men are dumb and will throw away money to have young girls serve them liquor."

As for the ones determined to stay on the professional track — their prospects appear grim. Perhaps Joe the Electronic Trading Platform developer can find a new home at Google, but finance as a whole is a highly specialized profession with a precise skill set and an esoteric knowledge base. This has not stopped many from trying to leverage their Ivy League degrees and their endurance for 14-hour days into alternative careers. One particularly promising New York City-based Internet startup received close to 3,000 submissions for their nine job openings. "A number of those were from Wall Street people" according to their CEO. Such a leap might be a viable option for junior bankers whose ties to the industry have not yet solidified, but we are unlikely to see an exodus of seasoned professionals fleeting Wall and Broad for good. They are much too vested in finance.

What I am seeing instead is a compromise that would hardly even register unless you understood the intricate balance of the financial game. Financiers are notorious for classifying and grading just about everything. In “Liar’s Poker” Michael Lewis gives a behind-the-scenes view of Salomon Brothers in the 80’s. Trainees were kept in line with threats of being assigned to an equities group at the end of the program. This was during the rise of the bond, and deportation to “equities in Dallas”, as they referred to it, was tantamount to suicide. As of lately, structured products, better yet structured-products at a hot fund or a prop desk was what Wall Street wanna-be dreams were made of. “I am flexible,” I would hear year after year at the NYU job fair, “just not risk.” Risk monitoring was the area that the stars would not touch with a ten-foot poll. Who wants vanilla when they can have the chocolate-sprinkled pistachio with a cherry on top? Is it any surprise then that we now find ourselves in a catastrophic mess? Yet, the current climate finds slews of the no-longer-persnickety job shoppers readjusting their barometers and redefining “good jobs”, much like the traditionally underperforming and slower paced fund of funds and pension funds are suddenly attracting the fast-trackers.

Whether or not we should consider those people underemployed is a tough question. In better days, it felt like natural selection to have crème de la crème, those innovative geniuses, hatch up new investment strategies, while the betas stuck to policing their recklessness. But the landscape has changed drastically, and so has our perception with it. It is clear that Wall Street had underestimated the importance of risk functions, and is now scurrying to rectify that. So perhaps it is not so tragic that the stars will now be reassigned to “second-tier” jobs because some of those, like risk for instance, has gotten an upgrade. And maybe, just maybe, if they had been there in the first place, our current crisis could have been prevented.

But - the greatest irony of all since Hollywood A-listers donned trucking hats, are Morgan and Goldman bankers, who once ruled the school and are now forced to eat lunch with the tellers and credit card sign-up telemarketers, seeing their elite employers surrender their “bad-ass [investment] bank” statuses. Sorry you went through seven rounds of hazing, ehh… I mean interviewing, to work at a commercial bank guys. Sure it will take some time to internalize the new vocabulary and for your confidence level to get back up to the point of where you can throw “Hey baby, I work at Goldman. The Commercial Bank. Ever heard of it?” around. Perhaps even longer till that gets you anything more than a polite nod and a subliminal “buzz off” smile. In your hay day, you had done a spectacular job of convincing the pretty masses of your gloriousness, and they are not so adapt to sudden status switcharoos. But you will get there. We all will. Wall Street will prevail. It just won’t be the exact same Wall Steet that we once knew, but those outside of it will hardly even notice. As for the ones unable to reinvent themselves on par with the new market and unqualified to do anything else? My heart goes out to them. Really, truly. Let’s say a little prayer for them and hope they have been saving their bonuses.

Oh Paris – where I can strut about in lacy gloves and not feel a bit displaced. Not at the birthplace of both cinema and chic! Impeccably preserved, it beckons me to return to a time when art and commercialism were not bosom buddies. A junction of brilliant ideas, monumental landscapes, and cultural surges – it infuses inspiration for a masterpiece of my own. Dare I internalize the spirit of Hugo describing the Pantheon? Or of a young Monet exploring the Louvre? Yes! The fire to transform lovers at sidewalk cafes into muses. A catalyst of ingenuity and passion; a place where the daily embraces a larger than life majesté!

Help me, Paris! Sweep me away from the world I now inhabit, to the one where I can again create.

I hate women's mags. Absolutely loath them. Cosmopolitan, Elle, Glamour and all that jazz. And they recruit them young nowadays with CosmoGIRL! and Seventeen umm empowering hoards of barely pubescent lovelies. A bewildered suburban acquaintance and I had this conversation recently. "But why?" she asked me earnestly, petting her guide to "mind-blowing blow job techniques that you have never heard of before", which is exactly like the five thousand previous mind-blowing blow job techniques that you have surely heard of already . I did not have the heart to tell her that if there is a blow-job technique out there that she has not yet paid $3.99 for, then she probably does not want to know about it! In addition to being the mental equivalent of a stale potato chip those magazines are the carriers and spreaders of dumb, hypocritical, and destructive messages. To me they are an apotheosis of our society's twisted take on femininity and a thinly veiled product brigade, masquerading itself as helpful advice. And so from the ashes of my unrenewed Marie Claire subscription rose a whole new kind of magazine - as fresh and revolutionary as the most mind-blowing blow job technique ever shared! Won't you come closer dear reader and do me the honors of test driving this baby? A place where hip, young, metropolitan dwellers, not unlike yourself, find solace and guidance - professionally dispensed and uniquely tweaked to their fabulous sensibilities . A place where the editors really really care. A place called Universal!


LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

HEALTH:

Dear Universal,

Embarrassed as I am to be writing about this, I do not know where else to turn. You see, I have been on the birth control pill for the last eight months and during that time I have experienced some slight discomfort - headaches, hot flashes, rashes, insomnia, back pains, bloating, bleeding, and blurred vision to be exact. Sometimes in class I can barely make out the writing on the blackboard. In addition, for the last four months I have been sprouting an unsightly black mustache. I hope I am not overreacting, but I am starting to get nervous about these symptoms and my doctor hasn’t been helpful. All he has done is switched me to a different brand a couple of times, but the problems have not disappeared or even subsided. I am afraid to talk to my parents because I do not want them to know that I am on the pill. Another thing that disturbs me is that I seem to have lost my sex drive entirely. It is as though it just packed up and took off one day, never to be heard from again. I, however, suspect that it did not leave at its own accord, but got muscled out by these pills. It feels like the pill has taken my whole body hostage. Please help me get my sex drive back because it is putting a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. Any suggestions you have for me regarding the other stuff I mentioned would be very helpful as well. I just want to feel like my old self again. Thank you for your help.

Sincerely,
Hapless and Hairy

Dear Hairy,

You did not which brand of birth control you have been using but we are sure that it is not Notha Try Phucklyn because it can’t possibly be. Unlike your mother’s birth control pill, Northa Try Phucklyn provides you with a high level of efficiency with a low level of hormones. Furthermore Try Phucklyn comes in a fun fashionable compact available in Zebra, Sapphire, and Daisy prints. We strongly suggest that you run to the doctor and ask him to put you on this safe and reliable pill right away. Mention “Universal” for a ten-dollar rebate on your first pack. It is evident to the health editors of our magazine that based on your side effects you are a hyper-obese chain smoker over the age of thirty-five. Unfortunately, those factors do put you at risk for the side affects that you described. Your best bet would be to quit smoking and shed some pounds. You can try calling 1-800- FAT-NOMO to find a Diet Center closest to you. Mention our name at registration and shed your first five pounds for free. As far as the diminished sex drive goes, well that is nothing to lose sleep over. That is just one extra way in which the manufacturers vouch for the effectiveness of this product. After all, no sex drive means no sex, and no sex means no pregnancy, and abstinence is still the only foolproof method of unwanted pregnancy and std prevention. You expressed concern over your mustache, and I think that it’s important to address that issue. First of all, hirsutism is well known to be genetic, and the fact that your mustache started growing on the same exact day as you began taking the pill is possibly nothing more than an uncanny coincidence. Besides, hairiness is perfectly acceptable and even admirable in many cultures, especially in the colder parts of the world. Unfortunately, our own culture brainwashes women into believing that they need to change themselves to better fit some unrealistic and unattainable mold. We at Universal do not ascribe to such views and encourage women to embrace their uniqueness and to be true to it, as well as to themselves. Accept your mustache and others will accept it as well. Let it lead you down a path of strength and fabulousness that we know you have inside of you! Best of luck to you!


BEAUTY:

Dear Universal,

I am a nineteen-year-old college student. Three weeks ago my roommate went to Mexico and came back with a new set of boobs. At first I was appalled. I couldn’t believe that she would travel to a foreign country and stick an even foreigner object into her body! This went against everything that we had discussed in our “comparative women’s studies” classes where we first met and became friends. It was like I didn’t know who she was anymore. However, something terrible happened shortly after and that is why I am writing to you. It all started when I caught a glimpse of them as she was getting dressed. I expected to see two gigantic monstrosities plastered awkwardly onto her chest cavity, but in fact, they looked quite normal. There were no visible threads as far as I could tell and she still had both of her nipples. She caught me starring and asked me if I would like to touch. I do not know what I was thinking, but I guess my curiosity got the best of me. To my surprise her breasts felt perfectly natural- as natural as my own. The more I thought about it, the more plastic surgery did not seem all that different from say wearing make up or coloring your hair. My roommate seemed like less of a traitor with each passing day. It did not help that I had suddenly become invisible to guys whenever the two of us went anywhere together. I still believe very strongly in all the feminist ideas and important issues that we had discusses in class, I just think that people would listen that much closer if I were hotter. Sometimes I wonder if a bigger chest can help me make a bigger difference in the world cause it’s pretty hard to get guys to listen to all that feminist stuff. But I bet they would listen to me if I had something to hold their attention with. I now find myself browsing the back section of New York Magazine for plastic surgeon ads. That is of course silly because I can’t afford it. However, I can’t get the idea of plastic surgery out of my mind. I have started noticing fake body parts everywhere - my school’s class brochures, airplane emergency-exist videos, even cereal boxes! It’s making me feel very bad about myself. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Boobless and Broke.

Dear Boobless,

You brought up a rather ubiquitous topic that keeps reappearing in our readers’ letters. That is the topic of self-esteem and self-acceptance. Unfortunately, we as women are constantly bombarded with images of picture-perfect, digitally-enhanced narrow prototypes of beauty. We at Universal do not support such views, which is evident by the plus sized model bracing the cover of our 1996 January issue (available only via written requests). Your idiosyncrasies and your flaws are what makes you who you are, and that is what’s truly beautiful. If you need more ideas on how to come to terms with a huge butt or a flat chest we strongly suggest that you get a copy of “Self-Esteem for Those Who Have No Self” available on Amazon for $21.99. Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to look and to feel your best. Self-improvement boost your self-image and helps you feel even more fabulous. You can turn to page 34 of this issue for some great beauty tips and camouflaging tricks, or to page 42 for safe diet drugs that will surprise you. Page 52 has a special feature called “Dior, Versace, or Gucci - The Best Designer for Your Body Type”, which you should internalize for next time you are in Bloomies. Improving your wardrobe is the first step to a new you, and you should definitely pay close attention to the “what not to wear this season” section. Now on to what you think is your dilemma. It sounds to us like you are in dire need of some soul searching and we strongly advice you to refrain from taking any drastic measures while in this skewed state of mind. You need to look inside yourself and to ask yourself who is it that you are really getting this surgery for. Is it the people around you that you are trying to please or is this something that you are doing for your own self? Once the fog inside your head settles and you realize that it is your own self and your own self only that you want to get these upgrades for (because you should never ever change yourself for anyone else, especially not a boyfriend)…well then there is nothing wrong with that, is there? There can be no better feeling than to actualize what one conceives. Taking charge of your life like that helps shape you into an autonomous and pro-active individual and that is what girl power is all about! For a bargain augmentation, feel free to contact the local medical schools in your area. All surgeries are performed by third-year students in a controlled classroom environment. Make sure to bring along a picture of the celebrity whose cleavage you most invision on yourself in order to eliminate any potential misunderstandings between yourself and the operating student. You should thoroughly prep yourself before going under by reading “Do You Get To Keep It After They Cut It Off and Other Important Questions”, available for pre-order on Amazon this month.
While reading your letter our editors noticed a much grander concern than the one addressed above. You are clearly struggling to come to terms with yourself as a homosexual woman. Please understand that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to women and their bodies. It is not just Ok, but quite groovy to enjoy watching them undress and long to squeeze their breasts, (as long as it’s consensual, and it sounded like it was). You should not feel embarrassed or guilty about having these feelings. Your school’s counselor can help you sort out these intricate emotions and refer you to your local support network and gay parade committee. You want to make a difference in the world and that is just fabulous. Accept yourself and be proud to be you! Only then can you fully evolve into the strong and confident woman that it sounds like you are already on your way to becoming. Good luck with everything!


SEX:

Dear Universal,
I am a single woman in her late twenties who leads a fairly normal lifestyle, for the most part. However, I seem to have a severe psychological problem in one department. Though I am pretty outgoing and I date a lot, the relationships never develop into anything meaningful because I am unable to take them to that “next level” after those initial three dates. I am now dating a man who I am very fond of, but though it has been nearly two whole weeks, I have still not been able to bring myself to have sex with him. I am afraid that my weird behavior will drive him away and I do not want to lose him. What should I do?
Sincerely,
(not the good kind of) Freak

Dear Freak,

It very much saddens us that in the post sexual-revolution era there are still women with serious sexual hang-ups. Perhaps you come from an ultra conservative or religious background and your upbringing is preventing you from embracing your sexuality. We are living in a time of sexual liberation for us girls and nothing less but full-blown compensation for centuries of sexual oppression will do. So here is what we have to say to you: the gorgeous guy you meet at the bar an hour ago? Do it, you’ll get his last name in the morning. The sexy co-worker who shares your cubicle? Do it! Do it twice! Do it on your office desk, do it on your boss’s desk, do it while the rest of them are watching, and hope that someone has a cell phone handy. Your father’s newly widowed friend? Do it ASAP! He might not have much time left himself. However, black panties to respect his loss are a must in this situation for a classy Universal girl. We suspect that what might be holding you back are your insecurities about your performance. Luckily this issue of Universal is chuck full of great tips on how to make your sex life sizzle and guarantee that you outdo all of his past lovers. Do not let your inhibitions hold you back. Just make sure to stay safe. Northa Try Phucklyn provides you with a high level of efficiency with a low level of hormones. Furthermore, Northa comes in a fun fashionable compact available in Zebra, Sapphire, and Daisy prints. We strongly suggest that you run to the doctor and ask him to put you on this safe and reliable pill right away. Mention “Universal” for a ten-dollar rebate on your first pack. Of course you might be a virgin or a born-again-virgin; you didn’t specify in your letter. In that case we applaud you for your decision. Bravo! And if the man isn’t willing to wait and leaves you for some girl who’s glossed over Universal’s bedroom shenanigans one too many times, then he wasn’t worth it in the first place! Remember, your body is your temple and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is only when you assume full control of your body and your life that you can find the kind of harmony and fulfillment that you are desperately searching for. And only then, of course, will you reach the apex of your fabulousness. Best of luck to you!

Intelligence- now there is a word I hear often in my line of work. Dissecting, grading, and paddling people's intellects is how we make the big bucks around here. And lest we not forget that chit chatting with the best and the brightest are the bare bones of my days. With so many academia expats arriving at the corner of Wall and Exchange, computing language creators from MIT and string-theory wizards from Harvard are mediocre till proven otherwise. Our time is money and our comprehension of meta-mathematics is provincial so we resort to qualifiers like test-scores, professional pedigrees, and impressive awards to make the call on who is truly smart and who should just stick to inventing AIDS vaccines. Language abilities, sophistication, and well-diversified accomplishments (a world-class balalaika competitor AND a rocket scientist? you don't say! ) certainly help but the true and tried adage that trickles over from the D.E. Shaws and Googles of this world is that the more knowledge you've accumulated (i.e. the longer you have spent in school, ideally a top-tier school that admits those who have already hoarded tons of (often useless) knowledge beforehand) the smarter and more valuable you are. While I certainly agree that knowledge and skills are fair assessments of one's suitability for a job (because raw smarts alone will rarely add much to the bottom line of a business), I take issue with our interchangeable use of knowledge and intelligence.

Critics of IQ tests have noted how they measure only certain types of intelligence (linguistic and mathematic), how they are creative and theoretical and do nothing to gauche one's ability to reason in real-life settings, how they are skewed against those whose cognitive functions have been less cultivated as the result of socio-economic conditions. I believe that one additional way in which modern IQ tests ( as well as standardized-tests ) fail is that they don't discern between knowledge and intellect.

And now for a moment of truth - the combined score of my Scholastic Aptitude Test back in high school was a shiny 1080! Jealous much? While I don't vindicate my intellectual prowess in any shape or form, I bet I am a lot smarter than what you've come to expect of a 1080. What happened there is that I was perpetually absent from one third of my freshman and three fourths of my sophomore years of high school. Yup, those two fractions don't add up to a whole - I know that now; not so much back then. My refusal to attend school coupled with my disinterest in SAT prep books did not fare well when faced with words like "entomology" on the day of the exam.

And what about variety? What about the different strands of intelligence that we have finally come to recognize if not appreciate? Each one will readily argue that it is IT and it solely that is the benchmark de-facto in defining that elusive concept of braininess.

Personally I think that intelligence is first and foremost the ability to connect seemingly unconnected ( or not too obviously connected) things. To posses that ability one must have the nose to sniff out patterns, recognition being the first step, and the willpower to resist categorization, which is essential to connectivity. That in itself is a paradox worth examining. Pattern recognition is after all a classification process and its complete abandonment is more akin to mental retardation than surplus. What I mean by resisting categorization is placing new information on top of boxes rather than inside of them, and in such a manner so that all information remains fully visible and "shuffleable" at all times. When information is not boxed-in, it is free to roam about our brains in an organic way. Here the different pieces collide, connect, and ultimately produce conclusions, solutions, and new ideas - the practical application of intelligence. For some reason, not everyone's thoughts are that mobile. Additionally, there is a great disparage in the speed with which our thoughts travel, and ultimately find one another. To be "sharp" is to make those connections quicker than the person on your left. Perhaps neurological wiring is key.


This process of connectivity applies to all types of intelligences, be it emotional, technical, analytical, or of the underrated variety (a well developed sense of humor for example is not associated with intelligence nearly as much as it deserves to be). Depth, the underdog of the intellithon but my personal favorite, is predicated as much on connectivity as on mental layering ( more on that in a different post). Of course, the more information you hold in your head, the more possibilities, and so random bits of knowledge are indispensable for formulating new ideas. Intelligence is the process by which it takes place. The ability to interpret an unknown, a universal yardstick of intellect, is the ability to plug it into all of that which is already know to you - and the further back you can scale from the trivial associations, the smarter. Knowledge ( in whatever the form) is the raw ingredients, intelligence is the process of bringing those ingredients together, and the end-product of that is your cake. And, hey, if you can communicate your ideas effectively to others ( because really what purpose does intelligence serve if it never evolves past incubation? ) then you got the icing baby!



to be continued...